My Life: September 2020

Date: September 25th, 2020 11:59 PM

Previously on PZ: The Fantastic Universe Of Anjie Zealand: Act 5 [Surprise! This Is Awkward...]

stairs to nowhere

Stairs to nowhere... kinda feels like life in general, yanno?

It’s been about six months since I deleted my social media accounts— Twitter, FaceBook, & Instagram— and to be honest, I do not miss them. I still think all the time about the things I’ve learned from social media— about people, politics, mixtures of truths and lies, to name just a few. I’ve been staying low-key and keeping myself busy with various creative projects. The one I am devoting ALL of my energy towards is actually a role-playing video game maker, a wonderful program aptly called RPG Maker MV. I’m turning my infinite multiverse story, “The Fantastic Universe Of Anjie Zealand”, into a video game featuring a LOT of unique maps and characters. I’ve been building Anjie’s hometown, the (fictional) Colorado suburb called Allswell, which I think I will turn into a demo so that I have something to release to the public, something to show for my most recent efforts. I have wanted to make video games for several years now, because I find them a very fun and interactive way to tell a story— especially ones on a cosmic scale, such as the story of Anjie’s Universe. I have other stories that will make great video RPGs, but for now I’m focusing on the one I’m currently working on.

I need to make some fresh changes in my life— not small stuff, BIG stuff. I need to transform my daily living arrangements into something that makes it possible for 2020 Me to thrive. This coronavirus pandemic isn't going away, and neither are these violent social issues, nor are the violent environmental ones disappearing, either. I really can no longer stand relationships with other humans. I'm trying so hard, but it's all just so depressing... and I was struggling with depression way before all of these conflicts engulfed the world. I cannot handle so much sadness and anger and pain existing all around me, and now it's crept its way into my own home. My roommate is having a really hard time lately— I feel so bad for him, but he's also making ME feel worse. Whether he talks to me about what's going on with him or not, I can feel his energy all of the time, and his vibrations definitely affect me. I don't know what to do. I've never wanted to live alone so much in my whole life, while also not wanting to BE alone for the rest of my life. It's such a strange conundrum. But I'm starting to reconsider my options anyways. I have always wanted to live a more nomadic existence, and I DO have a reliable vehicle now, so that can definitely become a reality. But will I really be safer on my own? Will I really be HAPPIER on my own, on the open road, with only my dog and my music to keep me company while I take in the beauty of Colorado's nature? I'd like to think that I would be, but I won't really know for sure until I actually give it a good try. I figure I can continue working during the nights & sleeping during the days, go camping more in the springs and summers when the weather's warm, stay in hotels more in the falls and winters when the weather's cold. I would definitely purchase an electric generator so I can still have my office with me. The only thing I don't like is that in this scenario is that I won't have a permanent home with a permanent address, and that maybe could cause trouble down the line? I don't know, but I feel like being a woman AND a vagabond these days might bite me in the ass one day, but then again: am I really safer in a pricey apartment that my landlord can kick me out of? I know there's pros and cons to both stationary and nomadic kinds of living arrangements, but the question I really want to answer right now is "would making these changes to my life make ME feel better or worse?". I just know that something's gotta give, whether it's inside my head or outside my body. Something's gotta give. I need more space. I need DEEP space.

Celestial Pearl Productions is still the one thing keeping me alive in this world, but I know I will have to deal with people (more importantly, strangers) in order to really make it work. I'm still in the "I need to do as much as I can on my own" mode, but it's okay because I figure if I can make just one great product that really takes off, then I'll have something to build off of. And if nothing I make ever takes off? Well, then it was fun to do while I was alive. I'm not worried about what history will think of me in the future or what other humans think of me now, because I know that stuff's not important. What's really important is how I feel while I'm pursuing my dreams, not "making it" in the eyes of others. I have to keep this focus, otherwise... I have nothing left to live for. Otherwise, I'll have to tell 13 year old me that I failed to make her dreams into a reality because I let other peoples' thought processes get under my skin and into my brain where it affected my heart. I'll have to tell her that evil really does win in the end, and that's not what I really want to tell her. Even if it's all going to go wrong anyways... I don't want it all to end like THAT kind of wrong. But maybe that's what evil really is... the kind of wrong that we would never choose. Meh. Whatever. In the end, it doesn't even matter whether I'm a good person or a bad person or a neutral person. All I'm going to remember at the very end of my life is how I felt while I lived it, and so I should probably go do something about that.

Tags: My Life, Philosophy, Lifestyle Design