Vaporwave Love: Sad Girl In A Beautiful World

Date: January 22nd, 2024 12:26 PM

Previously on PZ: What's REALLY Stopping Me?

These images were made in an iOS app called "Vaporwave - 1980s Picture Arts" that is actually quite fun:

I don't own the background of this image, it's fom Helluva Boss— it's this moment in Stolas' story that captures a specific feeling I wanted to convey. I can always take it down if it causes trouble, but hopefully it will not.

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Tags: Eye Candy, Photography, VaporWave, The Valentine, Sad Girl




What's REALLY Stopping Me?

Date: January 15th, 2024 12:27 PM

Previously on PZ: Little Me, Big Me: What Begins With Me

In Second Life at Museum Island

...I've been trying to identify the mental blocks within me & this is what I found:

  • Ethics of Money: not wanting to base my entire life upon the pursuit of profit, or be limited to creating only for a wealthy audience, feeling like humanity would be better off if currency was abolished, feeling like money itself is more evil than good, feeling like I shouldn't become dependent upon money
  • Hopelessness For Humanity's Future: too many agendas & moving parts, overpopulation, climate change brought on by human behavior but no one's doing anything about it, everybody's selfish af, people constantly poisoning the social wells, potentiality of the rich escaping to space leaving everyone else to suffer while still squeezing resources from our planet
  • Ungrateful Audience, Undeserving World: why create for people who don't give a shit?
  • Fear of Cancellation, Social Shaming: the bullying seems inevitable, so why expose myself to it?
  • Fear of Having A Negative Impact: what if I fuck everything up?
  • Fear of Not Being Good Enough: what if it turns out I can't cut it, no matter what I do or how hard I try? Because there will always be someone else out there who can do it better, faster, and more successfully than I ever could, so who needs my input?
  • Fear of Not Being Able To Sustain My Success: yikes, to attain success just to lose it would be a nightmare & a betrayal by the universe I don't believe I could recover from.
  • 'This Isn't A Good World, Why Should I Live Like It Is?': to what extent should I deny reality just to make a good life for myself? Isn't that ultimately selfishness?
  • Fear of Going Mad: ending up in prison/psych ward for my beliefs/behaviors, especially if I never become rich enough to be saved by my financial influence.
  • Not Laying Roots In This World: non-attachment, not emotionally or financially investing in the systems of sick societies

None of these are feelings I am proud of. These are things I am deeply afraid of, things that manifest as intrusive thoughts which won't go away, things that I know stop me from living life fully. I'm sharing these things because that's a part of life logging and personal development and I'm sure there are other people who are affected by these fears also, so I want them to know they are not alone in those feelings.

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Tags: The Valentine, Lifestyle Design, Personal Development, Psychology, Second Life




Little Me, Big Me: What Begins With Me

Date: January 10th, 2024 11:47 PM

Previously on PZ: Crystal Clear Resonance Airwaves: Late 2023's Faves For New Year 2024


The following is a (psychic) conversation I had with my Inner Child recently where I learned something rather valuable about myself:

Adult Me: “Inner Child, what do you need? What’s wrong? Why are you still sad? I have all these gifts for you now that you didn’t have then. Why aren’t you enjoying them?”

Inner Child: “I am glad to have them, but you don’t spend time with me! You just keep me busy but you don’t want to BE with me. You used to want to do everything, but now that we can do everything, you’re tired of it all & don’t want to do anything. It’s frustrating.”

Adult Me: “I know it is frustrating, & I am sorry. I will figure out how to do better.”

Inner Child: “You used to feel so happy just to be alive, and you’re not now. I feel so trapped.”

Adult Me: “Me too.

Inner Child: “I want to play, I want to make friends and enjoy the endless potential of the good things of the world. Remember when we felt that way? Then life happened. Is life a bad place to be in?”

Adult Me: “I’m not sure, I haven’t decided yet. It sure feels like it sometimes. But then other times it all feels worth it. I don’t have things figured out any better than you do, I’m afraid.”

Inner Child: “I just want us to enjoy being alive again. Even though nothing was ever perfect in our life, I wish we could go back to feeling vibrant and excited about the future. I wish we could go back to wanting to make more friends rather than hide away from everybody all the time.”

Adult Me: “…Me too. I’m working on it. When I have it figured out, I’ll let you know.”

Inner Child: “But can you just enjoy spending time with me again? That’s the most important thing to me. I want us to be together again. Please just walk through life with me without worrying so much. You don’t have any children, but I still exist inside you. Please don’t forget about me like so many others did.”

Adult Me: “I’m sorry I ever failed you, little one. I promise you I am here now.”

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Tags: My Life, The Valentine




Crystal Clear Resonance Airwaves: Late 2023's Faves For New Year 2024

Date: January 7th, 2024 8:57 PM

Previously on PZ: Forget It

This image via Bebop Genesis

Crystal Clear Resonance Airwaves is a blog feature devoted to audio clips, usually of beloved music playlists. This particular entry is going to feature music I was listening to from about September through December 2023, some of which I am already still listening to in the new year of 2024 CE (12,024 HE). I've been obsessed with these particular playlists & I'll share the links to them (or info about them) here whenever I can.

  • About September-October I was listening to Nine Inch Nail's albums Broken and Downward Spiral on the daily for about a month, which lead me to discover another excellent band...
  • I discovered Dance With The Dead via their album B-Sides: Volume One after The YouTube Music Algorithm put it on for me while I was listening to NIN on repeat. Then I started listening to their album Driven To Madness and fell in love with it too. I love how dark and upbeat it is & how it feels like something from an 80's movie soundtrack. For me it's great to listen to while driving, doing chores or working on a project.
  • After being introduced to the anime film RedLine earlier this year I fell in love with not only the animation, voice acting and the film itself but also the movie's original soundtrack. I listened to this when driving to and from from Dillard's and I like to put it on while folding laundry on the graveyard shift (it helps me GET SHIT DONE!). I love the strong techno beats and the diversity of the entire soundtrack from electronica (obviously) to piano-organ music to funk and jazz to Caribbean influence.
  • At some point around November I became intensely interested in black holes and time dilation, which lead me to watch the excellent movie called Interstellar, which has one of the most beautiful original soundtracks I have ever heard in my life. There is a brooding and memorable piano sequence from this movie which I understand is well-known in popular culture, and it may be simple enough for even me to learn one day (if I ever decide to touch a piano myself).
  • Around this same time I began working on the Death of Galaxia pieta-style digital painting I talked about earlier, and I started looking for deeply moving classical music akin to Interstellar to inspire me as I painted; this search yielded the hauntingly gorgeous piano music of artist Moon Ate The Dark. They only have two albums, and the first is my favorite, but both albums are excellent and useful for atmospheric background music.
  • Also just as randomly around November the song 99 Red Balloons by Nena (the club mix version) got stuck in my brain and simply refused to leave.
  • I've been listening to VaporWave playlists on both YouTube Music and now Apple Music for awhile now. I love the genre, both musically and aesthetically, and I'm absolutely going to channel its influence into my artwork in the future. My favorite VaporWave finds also include Floral Shoppe by MacIntosh Plus, every album by artist 2814, and fashion website Vapor95.
  • Another aesthetic and muisical genre I've fallen in love with is Lo-Fi, and there is an entire app called Lola that is devoted to both aspects. Lola makes excellent atmospheric background music for three different levels of mental activity (Focus/Study, Chill/Relax, and Sleep/Nap), and since it plays in the background I can just put it on and drift off to sleep flow, or creative flow. And since it's free, it's something I can (highly!) recommend to practically anyone with a smartphone.
  • I don't think I've mentioned this before, but lately I've become obsessed with the adult animated series Helluva Boss, which I discovered via the music video Look My Way sung by my favorite character in the series, Goetic demon prince Stolas. The entire show is fantastically and artfully animated by the studio SpindleHorse Toons and can be found on creator Vivienne Medrano's VivziePop YouTube channel. I'm thinking I'd like to make some HB fanart this year as well... to be continued!

The above are things I've been listening to most often, yet sometimes I need to pepper in other stuff just to keep things interesting and keep the flow going. Some such things are:

  • Ave Maria sung by Barbara Bonney. I will listen to this song on repeat anytime I need some nice background music, such as when I'm sleeping or when I'm working on a project. I have listened to this song countless times and I never get tired of hearing it.
  • The God Of War 4 videogame original soundtrack. This game was so good, such a high-quality experience, and the musical score exceeded even my expectations. I knew I was in for an epic soundtrack, but I did not realize I was in for such a musical treat. It' makes for nice, moody background music when I'm working on a project.
  • The Ghost In The Shell original music from both the movie and the Stand Alone Complex show. This music is also very evocative and atmospheric and thus makes excellent background music for work on one's projects.
  • I've been a fan of 8Tracks for years now, and there are certain playlists there which are very dear to me and have graced my ears countless times. One of my top favorites is the piano music playlist "It's Love, Isn't It?" by Hyejins
  • Recently I've become obsessed with the adorable dancing artist Barbin.ili from China, and I found a playlist that includes music used in her various videos. I have yet to listen to it all, but it's the number one new music on my docket.

...And that's it for now. Thanks for reading!

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Tags: Crystal Clear Resonance Airwaves, Music




Forget It

Date: December 21st, 2023 5:37 PM

Previously on PZ: My Life: November 2023

Lucifer Jubilee Anastasia


Why am I so serious?

It's because I don't belong here.

Do you know how lonely that is, to not belong?

So then, where do I belong?

I don't know, exactly.

Out there, somewhere.

Maybe in the center of a black hole.

Maybe in a different time, a different place,

Maybe even a different dimension.

But not here.

Why don't I belong here?

Because I don't vibe with this place,

Although I must vibe with it somehow,

Because I'm here.

But I don't really belong... ANYWHERE.

So maybe I really belong... EVERYWHERE.

I've been here. Now I want to go out there.

But then the question remains... What if I don't belong there, either?

Do I just keep moving on... forever?

Maybe eternal movement is the answer.

But even God must rest at some time,

And maybe we are but only It's dreams.

But I belong in the same Reality as God.

Maybe not now, and maybe not here, but I will get there someday.

Perhaps on the day that I die, I'll get there.

Truly, I am so serious because that which I truly long for can never really be.

I just want something I can never have.

And only death can make me forget it.


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Tags: Poetry, Sad Girl, The Valentine, My Life




My Life: November 2023

Date: December 7th, 2023 5:51 PM

Previously on PZ: My Life: September 2023

A recent shot from a wintery jaunt through Second Life. Keep in mind my avatar is seven feet tall.

...Another chapter of my life has closed, and another one has begun.

I quit my job selling perfume at Dillard's back in early November. It was not an easy decision for me to come to, and I waffled on it quite a bit before ultimately coming to the conclusion that the job was taking more out of me than it was putting back. There was a lot I really loved about selling perfume to people, but at the end of each day our sales were super slow, half of our team still believed they were kids in high school, and our technology made certain things that should have been easy become difficult or impossible instead. The company didn't want to spend money to fix issues and it showed. I simply wasn't as happy in that job as I could have/should have been, so I moved on, and now the light has returned to my eyes because I moved on. Before I left they had a few days where employees could enjoy an extra discount on top of the one they already have, so I used that opportunity to purchase myself my first bottle of expensive perfume ever! I got a new J'Adore fragrance from Dior called L'Or, and it is just so exquisitely lovely and smells so good on my skin. After I left that job behind I picked up full-time hours at the hotel, working the front desk in the afternoons three days a week and the laundry room at night two days a week. The job is incredibly easy but I am currently traveling the learning curve (there's a LOT of important little things to learn about the hospitality industry, apparently!) so there are mildly stressful moments here and there until I get more experience under my belt. My saving grace has been that I can literally call both my supervisors (my brother is one of them) any time I need anything, which makes me feel SO much better knowing that help is there whenever I need it.

Time for me has slowed considerably since I quit Dillard's, I am now able to hear myself think and look around my life to decide what happens next As much as I loved being surrounded by perfume, I love being free from stress even more. In fact I love it so much that it has become an entire mood for me lately: staying low-key and drama-free, fueled by 20th century nostalgia, dark academia, lobotomy chic & optimistic nihilism. I am not about having anything stressful whatsoever in my life right now, because I have some important deep healing to do. I haven’t been playing any video games lately, and I haven’t been oil painting either, but I have kinda been sleeping a lot-- a rejuvenating kind of sleep, though, for the most part. Lately I have been using a cute little app called Finch to help me set up and actually finish goals both large and small-- it's like a video game that encourages you on your self-care journey by rewarding you when you take care of yourself, and I love it! I've been using it every day, and I even added some friends I found in comment sections online--two of them have responded often & we are buddies! We just send each other happy little vibes every day like "hello" and "hugs", stuff like that. I hope whoever's behind Pinky & Tamara as well as Minerva & Julieta are doing well, because they sure are sweet.

My Thanksgiving holiday was nice & quiet & non-traditional, Billy and I just watched Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3 and of course like all the others I loved it because those films are freaking awesome. I am always down for non-biological family narratives, especially when such families are composed of societal outcasts (I obviously see myself represented in such media & it makes me feel happy to be seen & understood on even some small level).

I've been eating fast food a lot lately bc it’s super convenient, but I feel like I should stop that & put energy into cooking, baking & meal planning instead… which I’ve been saying to myself for awhile now. I have all the equipment, it's not like I'm incapable of making food, it's just there's only 24 hours in a day & a limited amount of usable energy for me to work with & I do try to spend as much of it as possible on other things. Making food isn't as complicated or difficult as my mind keeps telling me it is, though, so in reality it all comes down to my time management and motivation to keep trying. Even though my first attempt at making Japanese bento boxes didn't really go well, I think I'd like to try it again & I'd even like to attempt other dishes (the next recipe I'd like to try is Shoyu Chicken Ramen, which is what I always order at my favorite ramen shop).

merf... that's it

I've been thinking a lot about the future lately, and about how I would like to experience living in another part of the planet for awhile before I die. The possibility of moving to Japan one day to teach English keeps coming back to me as a pleasing and viable option. The idea is a tantalizingly lovely one, since I have been enamored with Japanese culture ever since I was introduced to anime via Sailor Moon. My customer service skillset and my recent emergence into the hospitality workforce means I should be able to make myself useful no matter where I decide to go in the world. And if I ever decide I want to shake my life up again, I could switch tracks and go into cybersecurity because trustworthy people will always be needed as the digital universe expands forward.

Medusa tiny fidget

Medusa does not like her picture taken but she does love to be next to Mama so she puts up with it sometimes. She frequently oscillates between looking like she's afraid of getting in trouble (which makes no sense because she is a spoiled princess) and appearing intensely curious or concerned about whatever I'm doing.

Medusa is doing well enough without Lucy around, although I fear she might be a bit lonely without any other dogs in her life (even though I'm certain she thinks of me as a large bipedal canine, lol). The only problem is that Lucy's aggressiveness has taught Medusa some bad social habits-- it seems she thinks every dog she meets is like Lucy & should be treated as such. So whenever we go out for walks (the only time we see other dogs or other people) and she sees other dogs, she barks aggressively and lunges at them in an effort to get them to play with her. Now, I know Medusa's not really being aggressive or trying to hurt the other dog, it's just that the only other dog in her life to this point was hardcore and so she adopted those mannerisms when socializing with other dogs. So it might be time to find her some new doggie friends so she can get used to socializing with a softer personality type. I don't know how I'm going to do that, not yet at least. The idea of getting another dog IS on the table, after all. But for now, it's just Medusa and me moving through the world together, for better or for worse. Hopefully for the better, obviously.

I've recently experienced a resurrected passion for academic study, particularly in the areas of physics and mathematics. I bought some arithmetic and algebra workbooks to get myself practicing again, and I've been reading a lot about Einstein's theory of relativity. What kickstarted this was my becoming obsessed with the movie and original soundtrack of the science fiction film Interstellar, which was made using as much real science as possible. The physicist they consulted during the making of the film, Kip Thorne, wrote a book about the science they used to construct the film's universe, and I found it so fascinating and so well-written that I ordered and am already reading another book of his titled "Black Holes And Time Warps" (he came out with a new one this year, "The Warped Side Of Our Universe", that will be the next one I read). I've been asking Chat GPT a lot of questions about the intersections of science and philosophy lately; the responses I've received from it are sensible albeit predictable. It’s nice being able to ask things of a knowledgeable entity without being judged by it. I’m becoming more interested in using a virtual assistant now because of this experience. All of this helps me greatly in my own understanding of the universe and the lifelong construction of my own Theory Of Everything regarding it.

Despite my recently renewed zeal, I still think about death a lot. Most of the time it is a cathartic experience, but occasionally the heavy nature of it haunts me. Sometimes I feel disturbing existential anxiety or intrusive thoughts, usually ones involving Medusa getting hurt. Just as I always have, I find myself wondering about the end of my own life quite a lot, details such as how and when it will be and what relief I might feel to melt away from all existence. I've been thinking the same things about the end of our universe, too. I think I just want to feel that I’ll be okay when/if I do choose to go, no matter what other people may think about that choice. Lately I've been channeling these thoughts and emotions into my artwork, and am currently working on a pieta-style digital painting featuring Sailor Moon and Galaxia, whose death and final moments in the ending chapters of the manga have influenced me greatly as a philosopher. I recently realized a remarkable parallel between Galaxia and Rappaccini's Daughter that I hadn't thought of before: for both of them, curing them meant their demise was necessary. I don't particularly believe Galaxia committed suicide, I find it more likely that she knew her change of heart would mean the end of her evil existence and I think she embraced it anyways in her final moments. If anything it was Eternal Sailor Moon who "committed suicide" by sacrificing herself to destroy Chaos (which I find fascinating in a whole different way). Anyways, I have my heart set on creating two versions of this pieta painting: one painted with a warm palette in a renaissance style featuring Eternal Sailor Moon, and the other with a cool palette in vaporwave style featuring Sailor Cosmos. Since these paintings are entirely for me, I haven't decided if I'll ever show the world when they're finished, but I do have every intention of hanging them upon my bedroom walls.

In a different vein, I've been considering trying out some of those AI programs that create imagery from text and pixel prompts, for the purpose of making concept art for my many projects. Like I've already stated, I don't have the resources to accomplish everything I want to do, which means a lot of my stories will probably never be told if I can't find some way to visualize things without having to make every image from scratch. These programs could help me bring more of my ideas to life, and I find that thrilling to contemplate. But I would never consider my AI-generated imagery to be on an equal footing with the artwork I create from scratch myself, and I never want to become so addicted to the convenience of AI that I stop producing artwork altogether! But I am too in love with art-making for me to allow that to happen, so I am not worried about it. The only thing to be concerned about, I think, would be other people's negative opinions surrounding the controversy of AI artwork... but that's really not my concern, anyways, since I believe it is capitalism that is the true culprit in the matter.

just a little enough

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Tags: My Life, The Valentine, Lifestyle Design, Personal Development




My Life: September 2023

Date: September 24th, 2023 7:13 PM

Previously on PZ: Origins

I have lots to report in this entry of My Life, so I'll just jump right in with the tea: I have spent the past few months healing from The Breakup, and I am MUCH better off now than I was then.

In the beginning of this month I picked up two weekly night shifts at a second job with the same hotel chain my brother-rommate Billy works at. It's not a glamorous job, but it pays well and opens me up to the hospitality industry. Since they are overnight shifts that means that I need to get myself used to sleeping as much as possible on the rest of the nights of the week, perhaps requiring melatonin to ensure I sleep all the way through my sleep cycles. It will take some time to adjust to the new sleep schedule, but I would not have picked up these shifts if I didn't think I could balance them while working full-time at my day job (selling perfume). And things were going great UNTIL a life-altering event took place on the 15th (what is it with bad shit happening on the 15th of the month?! So uncool...).

What happened was my brother's dog Lucy (who really puts the bully in pitbull) went after my dog Medusa (a boxer/pitbull mix but mostly a boxer) after she made it clear she didn't want Lucy near her (Medusa's) food bowl. Lucy took it as a challenge and tried to latch onto Medusa's chest; I tried to pry her jaw open and pull her away, but in the process Lucy bit off the tip off of the index finger on my left hand. The tip tissue actually fell into the food bowl that started it all. She had just gone full-on beast mode, and ended up hurting one of her absolute favorite humans without any clue as to what she had done. Before this happened, and ever since we moved into this new apartment back in April, Lucy has been getting increasingly more territorial and possessive— over things like toys, spaces, food, me & my attention ("mama love"), everything. I managed to get Lucy into the kennel and afterwards called my brother, who took me to the ER as soon as he returned home. They washed & x-rayed my hand, showing that the first little bone tip in my finger had been bitten off & only a splinter remained. I was able to handle the situation through the pain simply because I would not allow myself to see the wound with my own eyes (and also this pain paled in comparison to the pain of having blood clots throughout my body years earlier). Billy felt (and still feels) incredibly bad about the whole thing, and we agreed it would be best for her to not live with us any longer. We were advised by our veterinarian to put her down, and even the Dumb Friend's League said they would probably put her down too, but we just did not want that to happen. She made a huge mistake and could no longer live with us but she still has so much love to give and doesn't really understand what she's done anyways, and I absolutely believe her unreasonable aggression can be redirected by someone with greater resources than Billy & I currently have available to us. We reached out to some old friends with connections in the animal rescue circuit, and we brought her to them instead. The dog bite and the sudden loss of Lucy from our immediate family has been a jarring and woeful experience that is still quite fresh. My fingertip will take months to heal & will probably end in a nub for the rest of my life. My brother no longer has a dog, and although he feels she cannot stay with us, I know her absence truly wrenches his heart.

And yes, we still love and adore Lucy with every fiber of our hearts, and we will continue to do so forever. Anyone who says "pitbull, told you so" can eat my entire ass after giving me all their money, because that shit does not fly around me.

With that unfortunate event aside, my life has otherwise been going pretty well: low-key, no mess, less stress, with lots of introspection & meditation— just the way I like it. My dreams for Celestial Pearl and Project Zeitgeist are still as alive as ever, but there is an obscene amount of work to be done for both that will require me to massively upgrade MYSELF first, and I am actively working on that. I want to be able to make my dreams come true, but I need greater discipline, focus, and people skills than I am currently able to muster. As much as I want to be ready to master my life, I just am not yet ready for self-employment, and the only person who can do anything about that conundrum is me. I've recently picked up greyscale oil painting and am currently working on my first oil painting ever. I had some old black-and-white acrylic paints sitting in my closet for years that I wanted to use to get rid of, but the consistency didn't please me as I painted— and I had always wanted to try oil paints anyways, so I went out and got some. I've also picked up some other fresh art supplies and am hoping to create some greyscale conceptual illustrations with them soon.

Meanwhile, at my paying job, perfume sales at the department store are mind-numbingly slow and have been so ever since I joined the fragrance department back in February. I really love the store I'm working in— the floor space is clean and beautiful, the coworkers (including the management) are generally wonderful and actually care about each other, most of my customers are very polite and appreciative— but there is just not that much foot traffic in the mall at all. There is only so much selling I can do to people who aren't physically in the store, and that irritates me because I know the people at the top don't care & won't do anything to help but will still expect us to make our sales numbers anyways. And it is such a shame, because I LOVE selling perfume to people— the process is an exquisite blend of psychology, neuroscience, aesthetics, harmony, and intimacy that I have never experienced while selling anything else. I love helping people find something that makes them melt & go "Ohh!" or "Ahh!", whether it is for themselves or someone they love. Perfume really does make such an excellent gift, when one knows what the person wearing it wants. Although the long hours of being "on" when there's no one around to sell to does take its toll, I am not yet ready to leave such a glamorous job behind, even for a job that keeps me on my toes. I am eagerly looking forward to the inevitable holiday rush we anticipate in the coming months, since the rest of the year has been so slow.

Now that life has calmed down enough for me to see things clearly, I am once again reviewing my life through fresh eyes and thinking of the near future with deep consideration. I want to set some long-term goals I can look forward to that will keep me inspired on a daily basis, and I want them all to involve traveling. There are two of my oldest dreams that fit this bill perfectly: van-dwelling and overseas immigration. I don't know which one would happen first (maybe I could do both at the same time one day?) but I do know I've wanted to do both of these things for decades now. I have dreamed about camping and traveling across Colorado and North America in a mobile home for years, which makes perfect sense because I used to love playing "pioneer" by myself as a child all the time. I've also been thinking of moving somewhere overseas outside the USA, and found a company that hires native English users to move to Japan to teach English. I think I am going to apply, just to see what happens. If I do decide to take on such an ambitious endeavor, I will definitely need to teach myself to read, write, speak & listen to Japanese— which I am more than happy to do, since the language arts have always been my forte. Medusa would have to come with me, of course, because anywhere she cannot come with me will be an instant dealbreaker and I will not move there. I have done a modest amount of research into both of these challenging dreams and found them to be both promising and feasible together. So its safe to say my next big life purchase will probably be either a custom van or a nest-egg for moving to the other side of the world. Time will tell what happens either way, though.

On a totally unrelated note, I actually left my "mank-ave" and went out with Billy & some friends last night to a free concert featuring Chali 2na and Cut Chemist— an amazing musical duo (and 35-year-old friendship!) that Billy & I have seen perform several times over the years. But last night we both got to see something new to us: they switched roles! CC rapped and 2na got behind the booth! It was awesome!!

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Tags: My Life, The Valentine, Lifestyle Design, Personal Development





Date: August 20th, 2023 10:13 PM

Previously on PZ: Answers To "What Would I Be Like If..." Questions

mystery woman with cleavage holding the moon in front of her face

A very long time ago— far, far longer than either of us can reasonably fathom, that’s for certain— our physical universe burst forth into being, and thus a new God was born with what we call The Big Bang. Before this divine body became manifest, there was only the Tao: the eternal source of all Gods. Our logic as we know it now cannot explain, describe, or even fathom It, as It is ineffably undefinable. Even now, the Tao remains, and always will remain, for a very, very, VERY long time after the body of God that our physical universe is crumbles within the hands of cosmic death.

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Tags: Philosophy, Cosmos, Divinity, Life, Death, Esoterica, Metaphysics, Ontology




Answers To "What Would I Be Like If..." Questions

Date: July 31st, 2023 9:27 PM

Previously on PZ: What Would I Be Like If...?

ursula with skull

what would I be like if I was the ultra-intelligent version of myself?:

I myself would be thrilled, but I doubt the people around me would be, because I'd be a know-it-all. I would go through life so much more confidently if I knew HOW to navigate the world in such a way. Ultra-intelligent me wouldn't be so afraid of the world or of other people, so I'd be a lot healthier & happier in general.

what would I be like if I just did whatever I wanted without any thought of the consequences?

I would be happy as shit, but I also doubt the people around me would be thrilled about me just doing & saying whatever I wanted, even if it does fall within the range of acceptable human behavior. If I just did whatever I want without thinking of the consequences, I would do SO MANY MORE THINGS with my life than I do. Unfortunately, I constantly overthink & do nothing as a result instead. But at least I'm staying out of trouble, right?

what would I be like if I were what I consider perfect?

I can only dream about this version of myself. She is a dream girl, a one-of-a-kind version of me that lives in some galaxy very far, far away a very long, long time from now. But if I were her? I would hope I was genuinely happy with my charmed life. I'd like to think I would be very gracious, calm, compassionate, amiable, elegant, the kind of person everyone adores and who lights up a room wherever she goes.

what would I be like if I fell in love & never fell out of it again?

Having achieved the supreme stability that is true love, I think it would be much easier for me to be the perfect self I described in the answer to the previous question. In this circumstance I would absolutely throw myself into the love I found myself enveloped within, and I doubt I would ever look back to the days before I fell in love, because I would only be thinking of the future... my future living in love.

what would I be like if I had everything my heart ever desired accessible to me within an instant?

A massive weight would be lifted off from me and I would instantly be at peace with the world, knowing that I could truly count on it when I needed it. I would then spend the rest of my life enjoying those new things, or at least enjoying them until I get bored and desire new things. But that massive weight off of my shoulders would be a significant milestone in my life that I would never forget for as long as I live.

what would I be like if I wasn't afraid of what other people think or may think about me?

I would be much more talkative and friendly and probably also belligerent depending upon the people. But I would definitely speak up more and enjoy debate if this were the case. On the other hand, I may also get more quiet with certain people if I do not wish to hear their expressions, regardless of what they think of me.

what would I be like if I knew I really was the Universe's favorite human ever?

I would be so unbelievably happy, confident, and successful if this were the case. This is one of those dreams that feel too good to ever be true, but if I really were to believe this... my life would be so, so different, in such a good way. It would be like living in Heaven.

what would I be like if I chose to go down a really dark path just because?

In this case I think that a large part of me that I tend to keep buried very deeply would be very happy with me making such a decision. That part of me, after having been denied for many years, would suddenly find itself feeling satisfied, empowered, and incredibly eager for life experience. I would be such a scary person, I'd even scare myself. If I chose to go down a really dark path just for the hell of it, I would probably become very sombre, quiet, calculating, manipulative, ambitious, sadistic, uncaring, aggressive and belligerent.

what would I be like if I lived only for others, and also if I lived only for myself?

If I lived only for others, I would be a very compassionate, soft, friendly, masochistic, and extremely social, traveling the country to help those in need. Despite this I would still be a force to be reckoned with, as I would undoubtedly have to navigate dangerous social landscapes at times. If I lived only for myself I would be very aloof, selfish, occasionally rude and/or aggressive, indifferent to the plights of others, devoted to hedonism, and I would probably have a lot more money then, too. In both scenarios I would probably still be depressed, as well.

what would I be like if I were born into a different family?

The answer to this question would obviously depend upon the family I found myself born into, but I'd like to think if I was born into a strong, happy & supportive family that I'd be a lot healthier, happier and more capable than I am now. I'd like to think I'd still be in contact with that family well into my adulthood. What a lovely dream, that will only remain a dream.

what would I be like if I knew the secrets of the Universe?

Well, then I would definitely become a teacher in this case. I would definitely become a know-it-all and probably fairly haughty, but all in the spirit of educating people on the truth to the best of my ability. The other possibility is that I go mad & wander off alone into the wilderness, but let's go with that first option instead.

what would I be like if I remembered every lifetime that I have lived before?

In this case I'd probably become a know-it-all, but I imagine I'd also be pretty laid back & pleasure-seeking. With that much life experience memory available to me, I'd probably become rather courageous and do all sorts of wonderful things I wouldn't otherwise do without that courage. The other possibility is that I go mad & wander off alone into the wilderness, but let's go with that first option instead.

what would I be like if I had everything figured out?

Wouldn't I like to know. Well, I'd probably be a lot more strategic and disciplined with my life if I had everything figured out... or there's the very real possibility of me still being too lazy to carry out any plans or apply any knowledge I had figured out. But I'd like to think that having everything figured out would motivate me to greatness more than anything else.

what would I be like if I learned to leave things behind in pursuit of new experiences?

I would probably be on the move all the time in this case. I honestly would probably pursue the van-dwelling lifestyle I have dreamed about for years, because I would always be on the hunt for newer, grander experiences, and that's the only way I'd be able to travel with my income level.

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Tags: Philosophy, Life, Personal Development, The Valentine, My Life




What Would I Be Like If...?

Date: July 27th, 2023 9:00 PM

Previously on PZ: A Devotion To Truth

vintage woman thinking, pensive face


what would I be like if I was the ultra-intelligent version of myself?

what would I be like if I just did whatever I wanted without any thought of the consequences?

what would I be like if I were what I consider perfect?

what would I be like if I fell in love & never fell out of it again?

what would I be like if I had everything my heart ever desired accessible to me within an instant?

what would I be like if I wasn't afraid of what other people think or may think about me?

what would I be like if I knew I really was the Universe's favorite human ever?

what would I be like if I chose to go down a really dark path just because?

what would I be like if I lived only for others, and also if I lived only for myself?

what would I be like if I were born into a different family?

what would I be like if I knew the secrets of the Universe?

what would I be like if I remembered every lifetime that I have lived before?

what would I be like if I had everything figured out?

what would I be like if I learned to leave things behind in pursuit of new experiences?

aquarius symbol

Tags: Philosophy, Life, Personal Development, The Valentine, My Life




A Devotion To Truth

Date: July 1st, 2023 3:09 PM

Previously on PZ: Another Veil Lifted

I designed Celestial Pearl Productions to be like me: in the world, but not of the world. I didn't want this enterprise, which is devoted to the recognition & understanding of Truth, to be overshadowed by any particular dogma-- religious, political, philosophical, or secular. Taking the totality of being into consideration is very important to me, and I don't want these considerations to be limited in any way by others, lest my search for wisdom be spoiled. I have no formal funding for my scholarship-- it's a labor of love and curiosity, funded entirely by my own paychecks. I very much enjoy reading, so performing lots of research and owning lots of books comes rather naturally to me. Doing so keeps me sane in this crazy world. I try to take everything I encounter with that proverbial grain of salt, remembering that everything we see and seem could be a dream within a dream. According to Occam's Razor I try to approach life with only a single assumption: "Anything's Possible", or "Anything Goes". Whenever I perform research I always consider where all of the information I'm taking in is coming from: professional news organizations, peer-reviewed journals, opinionated social media posts & comments of unhappy laypeople, my own personal real-life experience... there are endless places where information comes from, and I try to take it all into account even as I zoom in and focus on the details of our world's story one piece at a time. Even information from the darkest and most obscure corners of our world are immensely useful to us in our quest to understand it, and that's why I'll always be interested in ALL of the stories rather than being content with knowing just a few of them.

I feel that being a good scholar means being aware of ALL the voices, including the ones spreading false information. Because while the information may be false, what IS true is that the falsehoods are being spread by SOMEONE and more people than we would like to admit are happy to gobble it all up. I need to understand why this is so. I not only need to know what the facts actually are, I need to know what other people believe the facts are-- because ultimately, I do not live in a bubble, and the facts or non-facts that other people believe will always affect me in some way, shape or form. Jesus Christ may not have walked on water, but his followers BELIEVE he did, and that belief informs all sorts of things from the way people vote to the way they raise their kids to the way they conduct their business and the way they approach other populations.

I've been reading more ancient texts besides just the christian bible in recent years; a large book of gnostic resources sits upon my shelf, I've been graced by the Tao Te Ching in both literary and audible formats, the Zohar and several more ancient texts are currently saved for later in my Amazon cart awaiting eventual purchase. Why bother reading so many different texts? Because I believe there are cores of truth hiding in every corner and on every level of our Multiverse; in all the brightest and the darkest and the bleakest of places, there is always an opportunity for one to get to know It better. Additionally, knowing how other people have and continue to speak of their knowledge of the Divine helps me understand how to craft my own language when speaking of my own knowledge of Divinity. In my hopes to be understood by other people (a selfish & rather foolish desire, I know), it certainly helps to know what language people are already familiar with when expressing my own ideas to them.

Why IS the Truth so important to me? It's important to me that I am capable of discerning the differences between reality and fantasy, between truth and lies, because I personally cannot afford to be fooled by anyone ever again, for any reason at all. If I cannot tell the difference between someone telling me the truth and someone telling me a lie, then I have no basis for understanding anything about this world I've found myself within, and I might as well be a slave to someone else's understanding of the world. I might as well go mad & be locked up in an oubliette somewhere. I CANNOT afford to allow either of those things to happen. I NEED to remain the most dominant force in my own life, I NEED to remain as free as possible from the influences of others, and I can only do that with an accurate basis of understanding of information & how it affects me. I can only do that if I know the Truth.

It cannot be bought, and it cannot be given. It can only be recognized and understood via life experience.

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Tags: Philosophy, Life, Truth, Personal Development, The Valentine




Another Veil Lifted

Date: May 28th, 2023 8:33 AM

Previously on PZ: Melancholy


The past couple months have been difficult. Things are still difficult, but have improved. I hate that I still very much miss him and as much as I try not to, I still think of him. The old him, the one I fell in love with, not the new shitheaded him. But I'm taking things one day at a time, and I'm not planning for the future anymore. Whatever happens, happens, and it evidently happens regardless of what I do. So I just spend my free time doing things that bring me whatever enjoyment I can get out of this world: reading manga, tinkering on the computer, listening to blues music, playing videogames, spending time with Medusa, sleeping, daydreaming about living in a universe that actually makes me happy, things like that. Life feels very different now that another veil has been lifted & now that I know I will never fall in love again. I'm not even interested in friendship anymore, either. I stopped taking my antidepressants after the breakup, but I'll be resuming that regimen again soon because as much as I loathe the idea of being drugged up for the rest of my life on a substance I can't grow for the sake of fitting into society, everyday life is just too unbearable without those chemicals in my brain (and besides, I'll have to take bloodthinners for the rest of my life too, so I might as well get used to chemical dependency anyways). I have no idea what the future will hold, but I am certain I will never fully trust anything good that happens ever again. I've heard that someone said that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but honestly in my experience I feel like both of those outcomes are equally terrible in their own respective ways. We're in the age of Kali Yuga, and I feel it very deeply. I will respond accordingly.

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Tags: The Valentine, My Life, Life, Lifestyle Design, Personal Development





Date: April 12th, 2023 3:00 PM

Previously on PZ: Some Truths

What a fucking MOOD.

i fucking hate this.

it wasn't supposed to end like this.

...but it did, and now my outlook on life reflects that.

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Tags: The Valentine, Sad Girl, Relationships, Personal Development