Few parts of my life have ever gone the way I thought they would. When things go well, I am pleasantly surprised and I feel grateful— I don't take it for granted that things will always go well, I just appreciate them when they do. In a world where, literally, "anything goes", this seems to me like the best way to approach life— for now, at least. Since my human identity is strongly tied to the Cosmic Here And Now (this time, this planet), she can feel the flows and tensions of the social turmoil currently enveloping the globe as if they were her own bloodstream.
My entire life, I've always wanted to be an INFLUENCER of some sort: a scientist, a journalist, a professor, a rock star, an artist, a businesswoman, a writer, a lifestreamer, a politician, a cult leader, a dominatrix— you name it, I've considered it. The flip side of that desire is that I've also always wanted to control how and where the time of my life is spent, so I've considered becoming a traveling hobo, as well. (That's not to say that traveling hobos cannot be influencers, too!) I've always wanted to have twelve careers at once, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet. I haven't yet found a way to line my ambitions up with my lived reality, but I'm still hard at work on this task. I have all of these puzzle pieces, and I've been fitting them together bit by bit for many years, and yet while the main picture is coming into focus there is much that still remains unclear. That's where I'm at in my life right now.
I know I didn't come here to just do what other people tell me to do. That, to me, is an egregious waste of precious life, and I wish I had realized it when I was much younger. I came here to use my mind to create something fantastic from the ruins of this world, and that is what I intend to do. If there is a way for me to be everything I've ever wanted to be, I'm going to find that way or die trying to find it. Unfortunately, there is this thing called "money" that I have to accrue in order to be successful in this world, since every facet of modern existence seems to hinge upon the possession of massive wealth. Well, the world is awash in money, and there are tons of ways to procure it, so if it's money I need, then it's money I'll get. What I need even more than money, though, is SELF-DISCIPLINE, and no amount of money in the world is going to buy me that. I have to start talking to myself rather than listening to myself if I want to develop the prowess required to breathe life into my dreams.
When people talk about "the formative years", they are usually referring to the first decade of early childhood that are so seminal for human development, but I believe this scope is far too narrow. All of the years of a human life are formative, but there are different phases of life which contribute massively to that human's development in different ways— childhood is only one of these phases! Adolescence is another! Adulthood itself encompasses many phases as well, one of the most prominent being "the midlife crisis" (this is where I'm at right now).
But it is not enough to simply acknowledge the formative stages of individual humans without also recognizing the formative stages of humanity as a whole. Although an individual may live and die over a matter of decades, the ideas and cultures human individuals contribute to while they are alive may continue to live for millennia before coming to an end. Ideas and cultures are formative experiences which shape future human development in ways individuals may never understand during their lifetimes.
It is not enough for me to simply live my life and then die. The kind of influence I seek to wield is the kind that lasts beyond individual human lifetimes. I have little doubt that reincarnation is the way of the cosmos, and I would like to optimize my chances of one day being reincarnated into a better world. To optimize my chances means to optimize the chances for every other human, too (or at least, the ones most like myself). And we all live in this world so we can optimize our chances for success on our own terms, don't we? I just happen to be seeing a future far past this current lifetime. But maybe it's THIS lifetime I should be focusing upon the most. If I focus upon doing my best today, tomorrow will take care of itself; if I focus upon doing my best in this lifetime, then future lifetimes will take care of themselves. ♥
Weird Trivia About Me: Some people call them "identity crises", I call them "modes of cosmic locomotion".