I've lost my job with True North Marketing. I couldn't handle the fact that selling is basically using social norms to manipulate people for financial gain, and I said some things in a meeting when I probably should have kept my mouth shut. I knew it as I was saying it, that I should have kept my mouth shut and kept my reservations to myself. But I couldn't. Josh says him and Tre aren't disappointed in me, but I am disappointed in myself. I thought I could make myself fit the mould. I thought I could figure out how to do this. But no. I saw things that rubbed me the wrong way, and when I expressed that openly it caused things to fall apart. I never felt like I really belonged there, anyways. I learned a lot, but it wasn't my home, just another place to travel through on the way to some place else.
I've thought an awful lot about suicide in the past several days since that happened, as I usually do whenever life falls apart (and it always does, eventually). But at the same time, I feel like I still have things to live for here. This cognitive dissonance is maddening: I belong here, but I don't; I want to live, but I also don't want to live HERE; I want to leave, but I also don't want to leave NOW. I feel like a star being pulled apart by gravity. Perhaps I flew too close to the sun. Perhaps I flew too close to the black hole. But whatever happened, here I find myself yet again at a crossroads, and wondering where to go.
I loved working in the nursery. The professionalism of the nursery I worked in was less than I wanted it to be, but I really loved being around beautiful plants every single day. I don't know where I belong now, but it seems like a good idea to go back to working for a nursery. There's tons of jobs out there, I'm certain I can find one that doesn't make me want to kill myself, I just don't know what it's going to take for me to find it. My real job is Celestial Pearl Productions, but I don't know how to get it to make money yet, and I still need money in order to live in this house with Josh. I guess I have quite a lot of work to do in finding my way forward from here.
I guess the best place to start would be taking what I learned while working at True North and applying it to Celestial Pearl. Besides my relationship with Josh, CP is all I have to live for. If I'm going to make anything work, it's got to be CPP.
I am alone in this, after all.
“You've been left on your own, Like a rainbow in the dark”
On an unrelated note, I saw Thor: Love And Thunder at the theatre with Josh, Tre, Trevor & Maddie last night. It could have been better, but it was a beautiful movie nonetheless.
Weird Trivia About Me: I love rainbows whether they have anything to do with LGBTQ+ culture or not. I just love colors!
