I've never felt like I belong in this reality. It's like a room I've never allowed myself to leave, no matter how many other rooms I know are out there that I've seen in my dreams, visions, gnosis of the mind and heart. Some rooms are arguably better than this one, others are arguably worse. But there's a whole lot of world out there, and exploring what's beyond the veil of this reality sounds way more exciting to me than continuing to remain in this world, which has become far too toxic for me to bear or ignore.
I believe in eternal reincarnation— this isn't provided to me by science or religion, it's just an axiom, what I believe is most likely the real case about this universe we're in. I don't believe any of us existed on purpose (parents choose to have their kids, the kids do not choose to have their parents), and I know that all of us are going to eventually die. None of us got to choose to exist here, but all of us get to choose to NOT exist here. There is power, freedom and dignity in choosing how we die, just as there is power, freedom, and dignity in choosing how we live. We humans readily exalt the virtues of living life on purpose, but balk at the very idea of the virtues of ending life on purpose. All other animals on the planet seem to have little to no problem with death, dying, and killing each other, but then humans came along and decided in all of their hubris that they wanted to differentiate themselves from the rest of the animals. So we outlawed murder, and watched our population balloon with every passing century, only to come to a point where there are so many of us that conflict has become our status quo. We took away our right to kill other humans, our right to kill our offspring, and our right to kill ourselves, believing this would make society a better place, but it has not. We criminalized the natural world because we didn't like being afraid of it, and in the process the world has transformed into an ongoing nightmare for us all. We stay in the same tiny room because we are afraid of what else is out there in the world— a completely understandable human choice that I myself have made for decades. But this room is not the only room, this life is not the only life, and our death will not be the only death we experience. I have tried to live on purpose and failed, now I want to die on purpose and succeed. On to the next opportunity.
That is what "NO" really means: Next Opportunity. There are endless opportunities for all kinds of experiences, and the vast majority of them exist beyond our comfort zones. Existing here, for me, has always been way outside my comfort zone, and so comfort has become a very valuable thing to me in this lifetime. I often have found myself wondering what the next lifetime, or dream, will be like. It makes perfect sense to me that every lifetime is a dream, begun with birth and ending with death (more or less), and waking up from one dream means finding oneself deep inside another one, and that this process will continue forever simply because there are infinite realities. Will we ever remember who we were in other lives? Some people do remember them, but most people forget them, I think because continuing forever into eternity is just easier that way. There's too much information in the universe for us to process all perspectives all at once, that's why we process it slowly and with different avatars. Every avatar is empowered to be themselves while they exist, and every avatar will return to the Oneness when they cease to exist. All opportunities exist in the Oneness.No one else has to subscribe to this understanding— since we live in an infinite multiverse, everyone has the freedom to believe whatever they like. There are no truly universal concepts of right and wrong, truth and lies BECAUSE we live in an infinite multiverse where all things exist simultaneously. What is true here is a lie somewhere else; what is right here is wrong somewhere else, and vice versa. These things we have picked up in our current time-space reality, is not representative of the whole picture of all time-space realities. Some will say this is an absurdist understanding of the universe, and with them I would agree on this— the universe is quite capable of embracing absurdity whether we humans are comfortable with it or not. I am nowhere near convinced that our universe is entirely rational-- in fact, I believe rationality is more of a cosmic exception than a cosmic rule. These beliefs may be right or wrong in the eyes of other beholders, but to me these beliefs, formed during years of observation and careful deliberation, are essential to my truest understanding of the universe.
So what is a girl like me doing in a place like this? Or, more specifically, what is a cosmic being like me doing in a girl like this?
Maybe I really did choose to be here. I don't think that is the case, however. If I did actually choose to be here, it is not a decision I remember making at all. It could be a decision made by my higher self, without care as to what I would think or feel of it. I don't consider that true informed consent, though. True informed consent is what is needed to achieve mastery of one's own life (and death), and THAT is of the utmost importance to me. Our own existence is not even based in true informed consent, and that, to me, is a major problem, one that I'd be willing to flee this lifetime to avoid. It could very well be that no lifetime or existence is based on true informed consent, in which case freedom can only come to us through our choosing of how to live our lives and die our deaths. I could have ended my life at any point up until now. I chose not to, because I wanted to see if things would get better. And things did get better inside me. Things also got so much worse outside me. I don't feel like it is my duty to stay here any more than it is someone else's duty to take care of me. Every person has exactly one person in the world whose responsibility is to take care of them, and that person is always themselves. Who knows how to take care of me better than myself? Who knows how to take care of you better than yourself? I may not have had the choice to spring into existence in the first place, but I CAN choose how to experience that existence, and I CAN choose when to end it, too. I can choose to leave this existence behind and enter another one just like I can choose to leave one room and enter another, even though I never got to choose which rooms exist in the world in the first place.
I would love to live the rest of my life with the happy spirit I've always naturally possessed, and die peacefully of old age... but I can't do that here.
I would love to create children, provide for them and watch them grow and live in their own happy spirits... but I can't do that here.
I would love to pursue my dreams and make meaningful connections with other human beings... but I can't do that here.
Seeing the world's decline, I choose to depart.
Weird Trivia About Me: I love the tv series Rick and Morty, especially the first three seasons. My favorite quote from the show is said by Morty Smith: "Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody’s gonna die. Come watch TV?"