So about a week ago I started a new job with a marketing company called True North, the same one Josh got hired into after the Home Depot shit happened. The first week has been shit: I've made a lot of progress, but I've also made zero sales. I was put in some of the most difficult locations to sell in on my first week as a trainee, and by the end of the week I became so discouraged I was sent home early on Saturday because I couldn't keep myself together anymore. This job is perfect confirmation bias for what I've always known about people, and the constant reception of suckerpunches has left me wondering if I made a mistake in leaving Wilmore (a job that I loved that only paid minimum wage). I'm not ready to give up on this job yet, but I am definitely in a slump in my first week in already. A part of me says that the promises of money isn't worth putting up with peoples' bullshit every day, and I am inclined to agree. A part of me also says that this is indeed my path to further self-development and I should give it my all until I am CERTAIN the job is not for me, and I am inclined to agree with that as well. As always, I feel I am being stretched and torn into at least two directions. I'm still going to give this job my all, but I HAVE to adjust my attitude and find a way to not let the negativity get to me, somehow. At least one sale this week would have shown me that my hard work was worth it, but that didn't happen. Maybe this is payback for me leaving Wilmore without giving a two-week notice; maybe I deserve a shitty start because I gave up too quickly on my previous job. That at least would make sense. But damn, did I really make a mistake thinking I could do this? I never imagined myself ending up in a job like this, in some ways it feels like the antithesis to my own values. But it also makes a lot of sense for me to move in this direction, too. The only way out of it is through it, right? If I succeed at this job, I will learn a lot of new skills for my future development. If I don't succeed at this job, I'll feel like a failure and like I'm just not meant to be an entrepreneur (I'll also feel like I let Josh down). The stakes are high on this one, and I suppose that's why I'm sorting through so many different feelings regarding my latest career change. Josh is doing great at this job now, and his start, while maybe not quite as rough as mine, was also a rough start. He said he spent his first week wondering what he had gotten himself into. I've heard that other people have been through the same slumps and now they are happy and productive with this job, so I think I can do it too. I just have to find what it is I need to do to adjust myself properly in order to succeed. I have a rough idea of what I need to succeed, but I also have a lot of reservations.

Am I on the right path? Will this path really take me to where I want to go? What do I even want anymore? Do I want to make a lot of money and give my dreams the resources they truly deserve, or do I just want to live my day-to-day existence being happy even if it means not really chasing my dreams anymore? Do I have to choose just one or the other? If I can make my day-to-day existence a pleasurable one using this job, then don't I have a responsibility to give it a real try? Don't I have to expand myself beyond my comfort zones in order to grow to the potential I know I am capable of? Even if I can be fulfilled with the bare necessities of life, do I have to be content with stopping there? Even if I am content with so little, can't I grow into more? Aren't there blossoms to create too, not just leaves? This path feels so right in so many ways, which is why I moved on from Wilmore so quickly once I decided to go for it. Are those feelings misplaced, am I fooling myself? Would I feel better now if I had given Wilmore a two weeks notice? Would I feel better avoiding people instead of seeking them out? Would I feel better learning how to live in the world instead of hiding from it? Why do I feel so tired all the time? Will these reservations ever go away, or will they just evolve along with me forever? Am I just being a little bitch, do I just need to buck up? Or am I really on the wrong path here? Would Josh still want to be with me if this job turns out to be not for me, or would I lose him too? Is pressure bad, or would being under pressure be good for me in this instance? What is wrong with me?

They say this job is 70% attitude. And I've ALWAYS had an attitude problem. But this job is giving me an opportunity to fix my bad attitude, and the promised reward of a better future is something I cannot ignore. How do I change ways of thinking that once worked for me in the past, but aren't working for me now? A critical attitude has proved to be both a blessing and a curse, but there is no doubt that it has helped me get through many tough situations before. But maybe that's the wrong tool for this job. I am convinced that the solution to my problems, my current career woes, is locked within my own heart, but where is the key to unleash it? I have to find it. My attitude(s) regarding other people need some fresh perspectives, and I guess going out into life and trying new things is the best way to achieve that. But what if my worst suspicions regarding other people are correct, and I become so depressed that I just kill myself to escape the pain of having to live an existence with other people? That's what I'm worried about. But I can't just give up on this opportunity to maybe make my life better, to maybe make myself better. This challenge can still be very good for me. If I get through this and find out this path isn't right for me, there are still places I can go, things I can do with this lifetime. Maybe I am making way too much out of all of this. There is always another tomorrow, another opportunity to better ourselves. Even if this isn't the right path for me, I can still learn from my experience with it. And I've wanted life to give me a new situation to force myself to improve, anyways, because I know that I won't change unless I have to. Now I have to change and I am bitching and moaning about it, but the reality of the situation is that I chose to embark upon this path, and I'm choosing to stay on it for a while longer despite the reservations I feel towards it. I knew this would be a challenge for me and I still went for it, so I have to stay strong and see what happens. I feel myself slipping away but only because I am changing, and when we're changing we become unrecognizable to ourselves for awhile. I'm sure caterpillars in their cocoons feel somewhat the same way while transforming into a butterfly-- after all, they are leaving behind everything they have ever known about being a caterpillar and trading it for the knowledge of being a butterfly, and while this transformation is important I'm sure it's no small task for the caterpillar, just like this is no small task for me. I wonder if caterpillars even think about what is happening to them as they are transforming into butterflies, or if they just go with the flow and don't worry about anything.

At this new job, I am surrounded by people who support me, who are dedicated to improving their lives, and this isn't something I should give up just because the job in the field is difficult. Just because it isn't a PERFECT environment (they're all still human beings like me, after all) doesn't mean this isn't one of the best work environments I've ever experienced. This is definitely the hardest and easiest job I've ever had before, and definitely the one with the most potential for me to expand. This is what I wanted, a challenge that would make me grow, and I'm not doing a horrible job-- I'm told I'm doing a great job even though the sales didn't happen and the first week sucked. So things are really not that bad. The problems are all in my head... my attitude. And at the end of the day I'm the only one who can really change my own attitude. I need an attitude adjustment, and no one can do that for me. It's my time to shine, I can't go dark now. Appreciation is the key.

I appreciate this opportunity to grow as a sentient being.
I appreciate how friendly and supportive my new work environment is.
I appreciate the potential advancement that is available to me with this new career path.
I appreciate the lessons I will be learning that will enable me to reach new heights.
I appreciate this opportunity to make more money than I ever have before in my life.
I appreciate the new life this job has given to my personal dreams.
I appreciate the new perspectives this experience is allowing me to understand.
I appreciate myself for trying something new and exciting and extremely daunting.
I appreciate Josh for showing me what is possible and being there for me.
I appreciate Medusa for her unending patience with me and her endless love.
I appreciate the Tao for the totality of this life experience.
I appreciate the fun I'm having with other human beings despite me being a hermit.

Weird Trivia About Me: I can't sing or dance, but I love to do both these things.