The time ticks by, and I try to make sure it is filled with moments that matter to me. The world outside me crumbles apart, and I try to find the silver lining I know will eventually peer through the storm clouds. It is madness out there! Everybody fighting over the latest hot topics— vaccination & mask-wearing, gender identity, cultural appropriation, Critical Race Theory being taught in schools, the January 6th Insurrection, & now the fall of Afghanistan to the Taliban upon Biden's removal of US troops. And there's more! There's always something new going on. Human beings endlessly fascinate me— we make our own problems, pass our flaws down through the generations, and then trip over ourselves blaming each other for things being as chaotic as they are. So I've turned back to drawing and painting as a way of escaping reality while still doing something productive. And I have been more productive lately. I'm realizing my drawing skills suck & need a lot of work, however my painting is rather good.
I quit Target and joined Josh at the Home Depot across the streets unloading the trucks & working freight overnights, and I really like it. I'm glad to be working nights again, and at HD I learned how to use the mechanical equipment right away... at Target they seemingly would only teach male employees how to use the machines, so much so that I would joke that I wasn't being taught because I didn't have a penis attached to my body. Although Target provided a useful discount & HD doesn't, I enjoy working at HD more than I did working for Target towards the end. And I have friends from Target also working there that I get to see & bullshit with all the time! Although everything has been technically going well for me the past few months, I find myself feeling drained and empty right now, and I know I've been keeping depression at arm's length for awhile. I admit I am bummed because, although I work a full-time job, it doesn't look like I make enough income to afford a one-bedroom or even a studio apartment with the rent prices soaring into the sky this year. Is now the perfect time for me to finally try van living, or should I be more grateful for the stability I've achieved in my living situation & stay put? I'm staying put for now, although needless to say my dreams have been dashed. I don't want to have to make more money, especially since a one-bedroom apartment feels like something that SHOULD be well within my reach. I really can't complain, though, because it's not like I'm in a bad situation and need to get out right away. I guess what I really need to do is work harder on Celestial Pearl Productions Limited, and do what it takes to become self-employed— another big dream of mine that, unfortunately, renders me dependent upon other people in order to come true.